bad day.
its like pressure, and its killing me slowly.

if u know me, no matter where i am, when i pick up the phone, i am always alone or no matter how busy, i will go to a corner to pick up my call.
i dont like having people around me when i am on the phone, if there happen to have people around, i will either sound very different or i talk damn soft.
its true.
its cause i just like my privacy tats all..

i am not the type of person who yell loudly at others when i am outside..
when i do want to yell, i make sure there is no one.
even if i fight or quarrel with anyone i just try my best not to show that expression to others that i am unhappy or sad.
mostly importantly, i dont or will never make a scene.
if i want cry, i just silently do it or cover my face, or faster wipe my tears away...
thats how i am.
no matter how bad or sucky my life has been, i try my very best not to make it too obvious these days.

i just hate being accuse all the time...
no, i dont yell at u when there are others around me.
u think what, when i am outside, i scream and yell in front of people..
and the people around me will be clapping and laughing for my hero act isit.
the thing is no.
the people around me isnt like that should such things happen.
but it wont, i pick up my call when i am away from others.
i do it in private, alone.
its like saying i keep shaming or degrading u infront of many..
its not true..
i dont do that..

i dont like being accused.
its too much.
i know i shouldnt entertain u and ur thoughts.
but i just had it..

i at the point, that i couldnt care. or dont want care.
i dont want even go thru it anymore.

thanks to all this shit, life feels like crap.
i just realised that most time, i dont create trouble, i just happen bring them from bored people.
people love finding trouble with me and always misunderstand my act all the time.
they think i got no feelings..
i just don quite like to tell anyone about my life or tell them what i usually do...even if i am eating or whatever. i will just say i am doing nothing.
thats all.
that doesnt mean i am bad or evil.
because things i do are really harmless, but people make it sound like it is, like i am a criminal.

i learn so well how to cry silently all this while from all this bullshit..
and i am slowly running out of tears, and ending up with just a tantrum or just rage.

im just pissed off.
everywhere i turn or go is wrong.
Time out is like all wrong.

i am so tired.
i just want to fall asleep at somewhere peaceful..
waking up to a much better day.......
but i know that day will never happen..
i sometimes wish that i dont wake up at all..
im asking for the impossible...

to u, thanks for listening to me..

i am just hopeless i guess.
i am sad.

yesterday, i get to eat alot of nice food after sooo many days of bad stuffs...
i thought it could cheer me up like finally man....
but things just got screwed up as usual..
i couldnt fully enjoy my outing at all...
i was really looking forward to everything..
but.......
haiz.

tell me what should i do.

hmm..
i know in the end, i just gotta let it go....
accept the kind of life i am supposed to lead and be strong...

ill be back to blog again when i have cool down..
i have been avoiding this space far too long, because i have so much unhappy things going on in my life.
and its only the first month of 2009.
say, hihi to my 2009. 3 fingers up, 2 fingers down.
ok for now,
bye.

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