time checked, 7.29am.

and i still havent sleep a wink.

i dont really know what wrong. but i really wonder if any of you have this feeling before:

you feel like nothing seems to be going right in your life?
you feel like god is making fun of you and seems to enjoy every moment of it?
you feel like you are happy at one time, but then a setback will occur, will tarnish your whole happiness aside, and thus making you back at square one-unhappy again?
you feel like maybe the bad luck is over, that happy times will come, but it never will, and didnt come.
you cherish the "real" happy moments you have cause you know you will feel lousy again.
you feel god is really testing the shit out of you.
you feel that life seems too cruel.
you feel so numb inside no matter what you do or how hard you try.
you feel that you wanna run away and avoid everything that make you feel unhappy.
you feel so much hatred at times and you dont why.
you hate yourself so much.

thats what im feeling right now..

the feelin that god is really making fun of me, making me suffer for very long. and i am starting to feel that maybe being happy isnt going to happen to me. that i am a supposed to be a miser all my life. or simply i have been cursed all this while..

i really cant get to sleep..

ONCE AGAIN, i was happy one time, disappointed or bad luck occur the next time. WHY! so i think the next time, i get all excited and cheery, i think, its gonna be temporary so why bother?!!!! cause after the good comes the bad stuffs that gonna shocked the shit out of me..

is it cause i expect too much?
is it cause i put in high hopes on the wrong stuffs?
is it cause i can never find that happiness i have been longing for?

people say, you should fight for your happiness. at times, i think to myself, if that happiness was never yours in the first place, you are gonna lose it eventually so why bother fighting for it? cause if its never meant to be, it will never be, no matter how hard you fight, it wasnt yours.

so at the end of the day, you only hurting yourself. and living a lie.

TORTUROUS.

its been so long and i never fail to keep telling myself, this phase will be over soon. but it keep coming back once again. it comes back to hurt and get back at me..

i keep telling myself, you can do it, you will get yourself back again.

but i lost it. i lost all hope. so now, its hopeless.

i fell damn hard again, and nothing i can do is ever going make me rise up. the people around me seems to want me to fall more i supposed. and perhaps i deserve it..

but why cant i be all smiles for a while?

why is this smile only temporary.

why do i cry more than i smile?

helpless.

the only option left, is to accept this fate.

whatever that it gonna have in store for, i have to accept it. and prepared for the worst. im sure it has yet to come.

and its gonna hurt me for the how many million times. and my life story never seems to fail to leave me a deep scar inside me.

but do i have no choice..

i will take the next few months as to clear my thoughts, find out what in the world is going on all this while. i know its gonna be hard with my surroundings, but i will try... cause after everything, i dont know what in the world is happening around me. why keep having bad luck..

or i think too much?

but if it keep occuring, then its not me then. its really my fate.

i know i only have 1 percent chance of being happy and avoid all this crap, but 1 percent is still a chance.

i must have made many sins in my previous life to deserve all of this.

even though those hopes were just minor, to me it meant alot.

i really feel very cursed right now.

haiz~

time will heal everything.

i guess for me, time doesnt heal anything, time makes it even worst. time makes all my pain come back. time is an ass. time rubbed all my wounds each day with salt. the only thing time will ever do me right is when its TIME FOR ME TO DIE.

bye.

smile and there's nothing that you cant overcome~

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